There is a John Wayne quote that resonates with me. “Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway”
For the past year or so, I’ve been scared. Scared to encounter failure. Scared for someone I love. Scared to live.
Since I was very young I have wanted two things in my life. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted the perfect family. As a child of divorced parents, I vowed to myself that it wouldn’t happen to me. I would marry someone I loved, live in a house with stairs (after living in apartments for years, stairs were important to me), I would have great kids, drive a minivan and be the picture of a soccer mom.
I wanted this so much that when I faced love for the first time, I walked away. I walked away from the only person I have ever truly loved because I was scared that my life wasn’t going to turn out the way I wanted it. I was scared to burst my dream.
I can remember the exact moment when I was with my eventual husband that I chose to live scared rather than face the truth. We were only dating and were headed to meet my mother, a first for him. I didn’t like the way he talked to me. I didn’t like the way he argued with me or the fact that he called me names (this would become a regular occurrence that would eventually squash my spirit).
I was so scared to walk away from my chance at the “perfect” life that I stayed with someone that didn’t make me happy.
I stayed with this same person for years because I was scared to walk away from my dream. When we were engaged, we had another series of fights that told me yet again, I did not want to be with this man. However, I wanted a wedding, I wanted to be a princess for a day. And so I stayed.
During the first few months of our marriage, I knew I had made a mistake but I was pregnant then (getting what I wanted, kids). After our first son was born, I stayed because I was scared to be a single mom. And I stayed so I could have another child (I really wanted a daughter). After my second son was born, I knew it was over. But yet again, I was scared. I was scared to leave and scared to face the fact that my dream was over. I was so scared, in fact that I even entertained the idea of having a third child.
I was so paralyzed by this fear that I was willing to bury my happiness and expose my children to a marriage that wasn’t working. A marriage that was filled with negativity and turbulence. A marriage that protected me from the unknown.
That same fear is looming overhead right now. And it has been for well over a year now.
About two years ago I had a series of great job opportunities in this area. They were all with the same organization doing something I knew I would love, in the field I loved. All would have made allowed me to turn my life around and dive into my debt head first. I was not offered any of those positions. And it upset me.
In the past I almost always got the job I was interested in. I was confident in my education, my experience and my potential as an employee. Those rejections, all in the course of one month, crippled me and left me self-conscience. I didn’t apply for another job for months. I don’t think I’ve yet recovered from that fear.
Today I’ve realized that fear is what has held me back. It’s not the economy. It’s not the town I live in or my lack of money. What’s keeping me from moving forward is fear.
I’m scared of going to Graduate School. I’m scared of beginning a new career. I’m scared of living on my own with two kids. I’m scared of paying down this massive amount of debt. Above all, I’m scared of what is unknown.
Because of this fear, I have sat in my little room in my mother’s house in a city that I loathe and I’ve wasted nearly two years of my life. I have talked a lot of talk on this blog and in my conversations with friends. I have come up with excuses. I have found one reason after another as to why I couldn’t find a job. It was always fear.
Recognizing this fear, I hope will be cathartic and allow me to move forward. And I think it’s time that I, as John Wayne said “saddle up.”
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I’m scared, too. I was JUST lying (laying?) on my bed trying to figure out mortgage payments, and I’m scared to death of making that huge leap. I hear ya, loud and clear!
Kim(Quote)
Kim, I think that’s normal to feel scared! A mortgage is HUGE. Just be wise when you make the decision to take the leap. As I was telling Elizabeth the other day, read up on Dave Ramsey’s suggestions on what to do when get a mortgage. I think his strategies will ensure that you won’t be in over your head. Good luck!
DebtPrincess(Quote)
super awesome post Jess. Just fantastic.
sommer(Quote)
Thanks Sommer! I appreciate it, was hard to admit.
DebtPrincess(Quote)
Great post, Jessica. Your readers can always count on seeing a “window into your soul” when they read your posts. Sounds as if you’re ready to put fear in a headlock and give it a big “what’s up?”
Occasionally, after a few hours or days, you lose the intensity that you feel right now – don’t let that happen! Only good things can come of forging onward, and grabbing hold of the path you already know is best for you….
Travis @DebtChronicles(Quote)
I think I’ll take your advice Travis. I’m not going to lose that intense feeling. I’m going to print out this post and leave it somewhere for me to read each day. My own daily affirmation.
DebtPrincess(Quote)
Great post! And kudos to you for facing your fears – that is the first step of any situation/challenge and it takes a lot of guts!
Stopping by from Blogelina’s Blog Hop!
~ Shay @ WonderfullyChaotic.com
Shay @ Wonderfully Chaotic recently posted..Sunshine & Summertime
Shay @ Wonderfully Chaotic(Quote)
There is a John Wayne quote that resonates with me. “Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway”
Some of the things you have said about your relationship fears very much resonate with me. Happy to meet you
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Eschelle(Quote)
Twitter:
on February 7, 2011 at 11:31 am
Hi Jessica ~
I have lived in fear for many years too. Amazing how crippling it is and how hard it is to overcome and move forward. With the 2010 New Year I had committed myself to reading again, I love to read but hadn’t made the time for it since the kids were born, I have been working really hard to work on peace within myself both spiritually and mentally. Self – help books are great…but the application of what they say is still tough.
Great post and congratulations on the recognition that it is Fear that has been holding you back.
I am a new follower of yours and, I believe was on Blogelina’s on-line course with you a couple weeks ago!
Have a great day!
Jodi
A Mom Having Fun
Helping Moms Work From Home
Jodi recently posted..February’s Love Drop- Alex & Ethan
Jodi(Quote)
Twitter:
on May 1, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Stopping by from Blogelina! I followed on Facebook and GFC too, have an awesome evening!
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adecheine(Quote)
Twitter:
on May 1, 2011 at 8:01 pm
Stopping by from Blogelina! I followed on Facebook and GFC too, have an awesome evening!
Aprils Lifestyle Show
adecheine(Quote)