So I’ve had this blog for a week now. A week was just enough time to get a couple of skeptics joining in the fun. I have received a couple of emails and comments that have questioned my decisions and motives. I would like to address those right now.
I have not claimed to make smart decisions. I am an impulsive person. I do not think things through when I make decisions. I make those decisions almost solely on my emotions. I will admit that it is not good practice to live this way. I do not feel that recognizing these attributes make my choices ok but they have been made and what’s done is done. If you’ll allow me a moment to explain a few things.
I got married in 2002. Consciously it was because I was in love. Subconsciously, it was because I wanted to become a mom and I was too afraid to do it on my own or a non-traditional way. In the end, I married the fist guy who would have me. It was not a wise decision. He was abusive, not physically but emotionally. He berated me and put me down every chance he got. It was not uncommon to hear him calling me a “moron,” “stupid,” or “idiot.” I KNEW in my heart that I am an intelligent woman and that what he was saying wasn’t true and needed to be stopped. Yet, I let it get to me and eventually I believed it.
When I finally left him I was so very happy, at first. I finally had what I wanted. I could admit to who I was and what I wanted to be. And that kept me going the first few months. When my job search proved tougher than I expected and then my divorce was final and I realized how very little I had in life, I got VERY depressed. There were times that all I wanted to do was run away, far far away. Two things kept me from doing that: my boys and my new friends. I was making some great friends who held similar interests as I did. We all loved one particular group and were so excited to have them back in our lives. We are all also so worried that they will leave us again like they did in the 90s. I think many of my readers are like me: a Blockhead. That is, a fan of New Kids on the Block. I think many of you will understand the feelings that I had. We were afraid to lose them so we went to see them as much as we could, just in case.
These were not wise decisions on my part but they came into my life at a time when I needed saving. They also came into my life at the worst possible time financially. Those poor decisions were made and I have to live with them now.
I am not a recovered NKOTB-fanatic but I am a recovering-NKOTB Fan. I am learning moderation. I have given up a spot on the much sought after NKOTB cruise in May. I have passed up tickets to a show in June and I am vowing to pass up on anything else that comes along in 2010.
There is one exception to that, I’m calling it “planned stupidity.” One weekend in June when I will have a number of friends in from out of the country. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event and I plan to attend. I have already paid for a portion of it and am making plans for putting away the rest. Nothing will go on credit cards and NONE of it will come from my child support. Of this, I’m certain.
A couple of other areas to address:
-Insurance: my children are covered by their father’s insurance and we have no out of pocket expenses.
-Employment- admittedly, I have not always looked with as much motivation as I should. However that had changed. I was looking every single day. I was passing on low paying jobs because once you factor in the cost of insurance, day care and what not, it wasn’t enough money to make it worth it. Decent paying jobs are hard to come by. And then my car died and left me stranded. I live in a VERY VERY poor town. There is little to no industry in the area. This morning I looked in the classified ads and counted the listings. There were 22. Twelve were for truck drivers. Seven were for nurses. Three were for jobs I could have applied for, if they were on the bus line, they were not.
-Public Transportation – well we have 6 buses for our town. They run a loop that takes about an hour. If you miss your bus, the next one won’t be there for a full 60mins. It’s not easy to use a bus around here, but I’m sure it could be done if you had three hours available. I’d have to take a bus to a child care center. Wait for another bus to get me an hour later then hope that I could get to a place of employment on that line or I’d be changing bus lines. Like I said, NOT easy.
I think the point in this letter to you is: yes you are correct in many of your assumptions. I have made bad decisions, I have not worked as hard as I should have at finding a job and I have come up with a myriad of excuses. Plain and simple, I have sucked at life the past two years.
But the point of this blog, maybe that wasn’t evident, is to document my changes! It’s to finally become accountable for my bad decisions and prove to myself that I can be financially responsible.
I am walking the walk….for the first time in my life.
Stay tuned, I promise you’ll see!
Thanks for your comments, while I’m not going to post them, I do want to hear what you have to say.